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Natural Awakenings Metro Phoenix & Northern Arizona

Cultivating Genuine Real-ationships: Be conscious and your true self in relationships, guides John D. Seibert

Feb 01, 2013 03:53PM ● By John D. Seibert

It is challenging to truly be ourself in a relationship, and most of us think so only because our conscious mind is telling us that we are. In fact, it gathers all kinds of evidence to legitimize this personal theory.

Neuroscience has shown that the conscious mind provides just 1 percent of our cognitive (conscious) activity during the day. Dr. Bruce Lipton explains that the unconscious mind operates at 40 million bits of data per second, whereas the conscious mind processes at only 40 bits per second. Ergo, the unconscious mind is much more powerful than the conscious mind. From that, we can hypothesize that the unconscious mind is what really shapes how we live our life.

We are therefore 95 percent unaware of what we are doing in our daily lives and almost completely unaware of our motivations for doing the things that we do. If we are that clueless about ourselves, it’s easy to see that when we get into relationships with other people, the potential for confusion triples. The adage that hindsight is 20/20 is so true. Until we have an experience that leads us to question our view of the world, we will continue with that point of view. It is only in looking back that we can see more clearly what motivated us and why things happened the way they did.

This may seem to be negative information, but it really is something valuable and enlightening for our relationships. When we become aware of the truth, which is half the battle, then we know to dig deeper into our unconscious mind to fully understand ourselves. The more we understand ourselves, the better our relationships will be.

If we are in a relationship for security while telling ourself it is love, there will be a huge conflict, both consciously and unconsciously. If we are in a relationship with our job to show that boss we are not stupid while telling ourself we are there to be a success, more conflict can ensue. We often see this type of conflict when we see people acting one way and saying something quite different. When confronted about their behavior, they assert the belief that their actions are in alignment with what they are saying.

These conflicts, when recognized, may lead us to look for self-help or to more Eastern type of philosophies and ancient traditions. Meditation and yoga, for instance, are great ways of quieting the conscious mind and watching what emerges in the unconscious mind. Hypnosis is another way we can delve into the unconscious mind. Dreams are also an excellent avenue of understanding our unconscious conflicts, using the symbology represented in the dream.

Life coaching, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and traditional therapy are all types of supportive modalities that help us to look at our unconscious. Those settings with another person present provide a witness that can help us become more aware of our unconscious mind by watching how we tell our stories and what our bodies do when we tell them.

The more we utilize some of these tools, the more real our Real-ationships will become. A Real-ationship starts with knowing ourself first, and then getting to know the world. This is why many of the saints and sages have gone off on their own for days, months or years before they emerge as someone seemingly reborn. It takes time to cultivate ourselves, to know ourselves and in turn, to know those around us.

Take the time. Start with a minute a day if necessary. Know that we are mostly unconscious and make the effort to become more conscious. As we do this, we may find ourself becoming happier and healthier, and that healthier and happier inner world will begin to be reflected more in our outer world as time goes on. Our Real-ationships will take on a life that we have yet to perceive, because it has been locked away in our unconscious. As our unconscious becomes more congruent with our conscious mind, we will slowly find the outer manifestation that is more and more the real self.

John D. Seibert, MSW, is a mentor, educator and coach, specializing in the mind, body and their connection to the human energetic system. His practice is located at the B Well Center, in Scottsdale. Learn more about this topic by attending the March 17 class. For more information, phone 602-384-1745 or visit

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